Another baby..........

Ugh... I drug over some of Bekka's baby clothes that I had stored at my mom's (we don't have much storage space) with the idea that I was gonna take them to Once upon a child or somewhere and I started to cry. (Hubby is out of town tonight so it's just me and Bekka so I thought I'd get some stuff done) For the past month I have wanted another baby. Hubby thinks I'm crazy. He did agree that we could have one after I get my degree (because I will be a RN and be making good money) which I'm only able to go PT sooo I won't have it until 2012. Here's a bit of background on us. We're not legally married because I'd lose my pell grant and I need that to be able to go to school we are married to each other in our hearts you could say. We've been together for five years. He has a son that will be 15 soon. Bekka will be 4 soon. We wanted to have a child together but Bekka was not planned at that moment :) I had a normal pregnancy until the morning Bekka was born, She was born at 24weeks. I had placenta aburption. Which is extremely rare, it normally is a result of some kind of trauma (car accident, etc...) I didn't have any trauma other than hitting the Maternity clothes sale at Kohl's! lol She was in NICU for 4 1/2 months. She has Cerebral Palsy and was born deaf. All in all to keep this short she's doing well. I have consulted specialists to see about the chances of this happening again. They told me that I will have to have a repeat Csection and that I should have a "normal" pregnancy that this shouldn't happen again. I understand where hubby is coming from because he's scared it'll happen again and he knows what I've been through let alone him. He wasn't very involved with Bekka because he was terrified I was in NICU everyday for hours upon hours even when I had to go back to work. I am a SAHM now. I want to have another baby now. I'm gonna be 30 next month. I don't want to be 35 and have one. Hubby will be 40. His son will be 20 and Bekka would be 9. I love children and always have. I feel robbed of being Pregnant, feeling like it does to be pregnant etc... I gained 9lbs I never got to complain about "get this baby out soon", swollen ankles, I feel fat, I'm craving etc... I never even felt her move. I never even felt pregnant. It's like someone just handed me this beautiful tiny girl and said you're a mom now. I don't know what to do...... besides look at all these beautiful little baby girl clothes and cry because I don't want to get rid of them.